


Helping Those Who Can't Help Themselves

by Sarah1281



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drunkenness, Fix-It, JUST LET THEM BE HAPPY, M/M, Pre-Movie: Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 17:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14794799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: Five years after saving the world, Newt sits alone in the same bar every night drinking too much and drowning in misery. It's really not the bartender's business but it's hard to watch. This Alice he's always fighting with doesn't seem like she's good for him. The only other person he talks about is Hermann. He clearly wants to talk to him. Maybe he just needs some encouragement.





	Helping Those Who Can't Help Themselves

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by conversations on the K-Science Bros Discord

The Silver Phoenix was the best damn bar in the area and Jihao was the best damn bartender. 

Or so all the patrons claimed after they got a few drinks in them. 

Some of them even said it before they’d started if they were trying to hit on him or score some free drinks. 

Please. Jihao was a professional. 

That wasn’t to say he didn’t have his favorite patrons. The best-looking ones, the most charming, the best dancers, the best tippers, the ones least likely to start a fight or throw up...Newt didn’t really fit into any of those categories but he was a white guy with kaiju tattoos all over and always ordered whatever was most expensive despite clearly knowing very little about alcohol. It made him stand out. 

As did the fact that he was in there virtually every night that Jihao was working and always alone. Oh, sometimes he made friends with the other drunks but he always left alone as well. Always looked so fucking miserable until at least his third shot when it became obvious he could no longer see straight. 

Tonight Newt’s eyes were bloodshot and his hands were shaking when he walked in. That wasn’t a good sign. It was hardly the first time he had seen Newt like this but it used to be far more common. He had hoped, vaguely, that whatever this was was getting better. But then, if it was would Newt be such a constant presence at the bar? 

“Hey, Jihao,” Newt said, stumbling over to the bar. He was speaking English because Jihao had met small children whose English was better than Newt’s Mandarin and Newt did not tip well enough for him to try and have a conversation in a language Newt was somehow still nowhere near fluent in. 

Jihao examined him critically but he did seem to be sober. Merely…unwell. 

“Newt.” 

“Two shots, yeah? One for me and one for Ping.” 

Ping always arrives between seven and twelve minutes after Newt has entered the bar and sits inconspicuously in a corner. Jihao rather doubted he would have noticed him if Newt did not always point him out. 

“Remind me why an intern at your place of employment is following you around? Again?” Jihao asked as he dutifully poured the shots. 

Newt shrugged. “Who even knows? I’d say it was to make sure I didn’t spill corporate secrets but like the fuck do I want to talk about that in my off time for? And he followed me before I started coming here so…Or one of them did? I don’t remember the name.” 

“It just seems that this is…well, no, it’s definitely fucking weird. But probably harassment and illegal,” Jihao said. 

Newt huffed out a laugh and then downed his shot. “That is not really a conversation I want to have with my boss. She’s not the most…understanding of people.” 

That was clearly an understatement. “Okay but why an intern?” 

“It used to be security,” Newt replied. “But I guess I’m too boring for that and they’ve got better things to do. Whatever. I really don’t care. I mean, I do, because it sucks but not enough for me to do anything about it and they’ve clearly drawn the line at breaking into my place so it’s fine. It’s fine.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Jihao. “Another!” 

Jihao just shook his head at the reference to a comic book movie from twenty years ago and grabbed the empty shot glass so Newt wouldn’t be tempted to smash it. Last time that had happened, stitches were involved. He wondered vaguely what kind of madcap traps Newt had set up to keep people out of his apartment and decided that he was quite sure he didn’t want to know. 

He slid a second shot over to Newt. “So what do you do anyway?” 

For a split second there was a smug smirk there. “Everything.” 

The animation faded as soon as it came and Newt just looked tired again. 

“That’s…specific.” 

Newt laughed. “I know, right? But I meant what I said about not wanting to talk about stupid work and Ping should be along any second.” 

Sure enough, the door opened and the intern stepped inside. Jihao waved one of the servers over and sent the shot Newt had bought the kid’s way. 

Ping accepted the drink with a resigned look and reluctantly waved back at Newt. 

“He’s really not a bad kid, you know,” Newt confided before downing his shot. “I think he might even speak English. I’d ask him but at some point my clearly knowing he’s trying to follow me around without noticing gets ridiculous. Another!” 

Jihao looked closely at him. The alcohol hadn’t had much time to hit his system but it would soon. Newt was always a heavy drinker but this seemed more excessive than usual. He slowly poured another shot. 

“So. You look like shit.” 

Newt did not respond to subtlety. Jihao would know. He once spent three hours trying increasingly more obvious ways of asking why his hand was all wrapped up before he had just come out and asked directly. Newt had looked surprised but readily explained. 

Newt choked and Jihao eyed him with concern. Newt put a hand up to his sternum and coughed a few times. “I’m fine,” he finally managed to articulate between coughs. 

“I’m going to get you a water,” Jihao said. He grabbed a glass, filled it, and set it down in front of Newt. 

Newt made a face. “I don’t like water.” 

“I don’t care if you don’t like water. You drink too much not to drink water and now you’re choking.” 

“I’m fine! And it was your fault anyway for saying that to me!” 

“Oh, yes, blame the person who is concerned about you. Very smart,” Jihao said sarcastically. “You make bad life choices in someone else’s bar.” 

Newt sighed. “Can I have a bendy straw?” 

Hundreds of people came through this bar every week and Newt was the only one who needed a bendy straw. Jihao reached into one of the drawers, pulled one out, undid the plastic, and stuck it into Newt’s water. “Now drink.” 

“You are such a dad, I swear to God.” 

“Yeah well you’re like twice my age so that one’s clearly on you.” 

Newt looked appalled. “I am not…I don’t actually know how old you are but I am not twice your age!” 

“I’m 27,” Jihao said. 

“Ha!” Newt said triumphantly. “Nowhere close!” 

Jihao raised a skeptical eyebrow. 

Newt flushed. “Okay, maybe a little close. But not that close. I’m only 40, dude.” 

“I will make sure to provide a cushion for your back next time you come in and a stand to place your cane,” Jihao said solemnly. 

Newt rolled his eyes and took a sip of his water. “I don’t have a cane. You know who had a cane? Hermann had a cane. He never let me paint flames or anything cool on it.” 

“Well, I wouldn’t either,” Jihao said. “Though that’s partially due to the fact that by the time I need a cane you’ll be blind as a bat.” 

“Hey, respect your elders!” Newt said, smiling and holding a slightly unsteady finger out in front of him. 

“So come on,” Jihao told him. “What happened? Why do you look like you lost a fight with the world?” 

Newt reached for the still untouched third shot and drank it almost desperately. “It’s…nothing like that.” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“It’s not!” Newt insisted. 

“Well then what is it about? Did you have another fight with Alice?” 

The look on Newt’s face then would break anyone’s heart. 

Wordlessly, Jihao poured him another shot. 

Newt nodded vaguely at him and downed it. “Alice…yeah…we…yeah. I can’t be there right now. I can’t look at her.” 

Jihao had never met Alice. He knew very little about Newt other than his drinking habits. He didn’t know what he did or what his full name was or if he had any friends he saw when he wasn’t drowning what must be at truly impressive number of sorrows. But he knew about Alice. Some days Newt was buzzing with so much energy he literally couldn’t sit down and every sentence he spoke contained that name. Some days the sound of her name sent him running to the bathroom and Jihao could hear the muffled screaming. Some days there were desperate sobs and words he couldn’t hope to make out but he thought he heard ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘Alice’ and ‘Hermann.’ 

It wasn’t his place, perhaps. Newt wouldn’t welcome it. But did he have anyone else to say it? One thing he knew was that Newt needed someone to say it. 

But he would have to tread carefully and be prepared for this to go south and fast. 

“Are you happy, Newt?” 

Newt blinked at him. “Happy?” he asked as though he’d never heard the word before. 

“Yes,” Jihao said simply. “Happy.” 

“Right now?” Newt asked. He reached for his drink only to realize he didn’t have one. “That can’t be right.” 

“Drink your water.” 

Newt made a face but took a sip. “Right now I’m feeling…I don’t know. Everything.” 

“Not at this very moment. Not even the most content individuals are happy all the time. Not even the most miserable individuals are never happy. But Newt, which are you? Overall, are you happy?” 

“What a question is that.” 

“I find your lack of an answer concerning,” Jihao said. 

“What does it matter to you?” Newt asked defensively. 

“It’s a simple question. Yes or no. You could even lie.” 

Newt closed his eyes and reached for his eyes only to stop inches from his face. He brought his hand down and peered at it, confused. “I don’t think you’re supposed to lie to a bartender. It’s like lying to a priest or something.” 

Jihao snorted. “I haven’t heard that before but we certainly both do get a lot of confessions.” 

“Things are fine.” 

“That is the biggest load of crap I have heard all night,” Jihao said bluntly. “And earlier Mei was in here trying to convince me that she had paid off her tab.” 

Newt didn’t laugh. “I can find another bar.” 

“Don’t you dare. You’ll drink yourself to death.” 

“You’re the worst bartender I know,” Newt said. He tilted his head consideringly at him. “I think you’re my best friend in the whole city.” 

Jihao wished he didn’t believe that was true. He had never once seen Newt outside of this bar. He didn’t even know his name. He just knew that this man was a disaster and that he needed help or he was going to get himself killed. 

Part of him wanted to pull back. Newt clearly didn’t want to talk about it. But what good would that do? They’d just continue this song and dance tomorrow and the night after that and the night after that until one day he staggered into the night and didn’t make it home. Maybe he would go to a different bar after this. Maybe that was fair. But he’d rather like to earn that rejection. 

“I’ve never met Alice.” 

“Alice doesn’t like bars,” Newt said. “Can I get another drink?” 

“Alright but no more shots. Not right now,” Jihao said. He poured Newt a Blue Motherfucker because it never failed to brighten his mood. 

Sure enough, even now, Newt’s eyes crinkled briefly when he saw it and he took a large sip. 

“You’re always fighting. Whenever you come here, you never look happy. And maybe when you are happy you don’t end up in bars. You would hardly be the first. But you’re always in here. And after you fight with her, you look worse. You look like you’re at the end of your rope and if someone so much as looks at you the wrong way you’re going to lose it.” 

Newt looked down at his arms which were trembling slightly. “Maybe I’m just an addict in need of a fix.” 

“I don’t know if Alice is good for you.” 

For some reason, that made Newt laugh like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. Oh, yes, the alcohol was hitting him and hard. 

“Either I’m very, very right or I’m very, very wrong,” Jihao said when Newt’s laughter finally subsided. 

“I love her.” 

“Love is complicated,” Jihao said. “I know that much. It’s not always good for you or healthy or even sane.” 

“No, it never really is, is it?” Newt said almost to himself. “But I do. So much. So much it scares me. And more than that I need her.” 

“Do you?” Jihao challenged. “Or is that just fear talking? Routine?” 

Newt tried to stand up but wobbled dangerously and Jihao reached across the bar to steady him. 

“Woah, careful now.” 

Newt ignored that but sat back down. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Maybe not. I don’t know Alice, after all. And maybe it’s not her. Maybe she’s great. But you’re not happy and you’re not okay and when you’re at your worst it’s always because of her.” 

Newt chuckled darkly. “You haven’t seen me at my worst.” 

“And yet she does,” Jihao said. It wasn’t a question. 

Newt stared up at the ceiling. “It’s not her. It’s me.” 

“Does she tell you that?” 

“Well…maybe. But it’s true. That’s just how I’m in love,” Newt said. “And like every other time. But mostly when I’m in love. You should have seen me with Hermann.” 

Hermann was the only other person Newt had ever brought up as far as Jihao could remember which meant he was the only other person that mattered here. And he didn’t know any more about Hermann than he did about Alice – less probably – but he had to be better than this. He just had to be. And if not then maybe Newt had a point about his less than stellar choice of partners even if that hadn’t exactly been how he put it. 

“What was it like with Hermann?” 

Newt’s face crumpled immediately. “Hermann…fuck, man, I can’t talk about Hermann.” 

He took the straw out of his glass and downed what was left of it. 

“Why not?” 

Newt looked like he had a headache coming on. “I’m way too sober for this shit.” 

Wordlessly, Jihao handed him another drink. It was a lot but Newt’s tolerance was almost alarmingly high at this point. 

“Hermann…I never got along with Hermann, you know. Not ever. Even when we did. We were fighting and getting along and it’s like…sometimes that’s how you get along, you know? You fight?” 

Jihao really didn’t. It sounded exhausting. “So like banter?” 

“Well, yeah, but not exactly. Different amount of teeth, you know? Like we’re just writing letters back and forth and supporting each other and ripping each other’s work to pieces when it deserved it but that’s okay because it really only made it better, right?” 

“So you met and you started writing letters? Is that it?” Jihao asked. 

Newt shook his head impatiently. “No, no. Keep up, Jihao. He was brilliant and I was brilliant and there were kaiju and his dickhead dad was doing like the whole jaeger thing so I thought why not write him a letter? Hermann, not his dickhead dad. Hermann says I had no reason to think his dad was a dickhead back then but sometimes you can just tell, you know? Sometimes you just know. And like it’s not the only time I’ve written to someone out of the blue. Pen pals are a lot better than, like, in person pals sometimes because they’re only around on your terms and if they stop contacting you one day you can imagine they got like eaten by a shark or run over by a bus and not have to walk past their house on the way to school every day and have them look away.” 

“I see.” 

For all Newt said he didn’t want to talk about Hermann, once he started it seemed there was no stopping him. Not that Jihao had any intention of trying. 

“So like it was great. So great that after a few years we were like ‘this is stupid. We’re both going to this thing so let’s go meet. It’ll be great.’ Or, well, Hermann said that. But more in a stuffy fake British Hermann kind of way. And like, I’m like ‘I dunno dude. What if it’s a complete disaster? Things are different in person. You’ve got to deal with like real-time responses and any annoying habits and real life stuff outside of science and what we want to share with each other.’ And he promised me…get this, he fucking promised me that it wouldn’t change anything. That I could be as annoying as his little brother and he’d still want me in his life because we were just so brilliant together and important. He actually promised me that. Can you believe it?” 

That didn’t seem like such an unreasonable thing to say. And yet clearly things hadn’t gone that way. 

“I take it that that’s not what happened?” 

“Of course it’s not what happened!” Newt threw his arms in the air and nearly hit one of the other patrons as he came up to the bar. The patron glared at him but Newt didn’t seem to notice. 

Jihao fixed the man his drink while continuing to listen to Newt’s story.

“Like we hadn’t exchanged pictures or anything so we knew recognizing each other might be difficult so Hermann had this really old-fashioned idea to have like a handkerchief with us so we’d know it was us. And like the fuck I even had a handkerchief, you know? So there I was running around trying to even get one and so I was like ten minutes late to the meeting. Not the best start but, I mean, it is what it is. And I didn’t see him. I looked around and I just didn’t see him so I emailed him asking where he was.”

“Did he stand you up?” Jihao asked. 

Newt groaned. “Oh, I fucking wish. Then he’d just admit he was the asshole here. We never did agree on whose fault this was, even after…Hermann was all ‘let’s just say it was a mutual thing’ but that’s the kind of bullshit one only says when they know they’re wrong so that really means I won, right?” 

“I couldn’t even begin to say.” 

“So apparently he was actually there. He got there early and he got a seat by the door so, like, he was literally watching me look past him and type out that email saying I couldn’t see him.” 

Jihao stifled a laugh. “Wow.” 

“Hey, don’t judge me!” Newt said, waving his arm around again. This time he did end up hitting someone in the face. He either did not notice or did not care. 

Jihao gave the man a sympathetic look and took his order. 

“How was I supposed to know it was him?” Newt demanded. 

“Presumably by the handkerchief. Or was that not visible?” 

Newt deflated. “No, it was. Right there on the table. And I saw it. But…listen, the man was 27 and I could have sworn he was at least 40.” 

Jihao winced. “That bad, huh?” 

Newt nodded. “Oh yeah! Look, he had glasses, right?” 

“Didn’t you use to have glasses?” 

“Well, yeah,” Newt said, looking strangely sad for a moment. “And they were the best glasses! So cool, you know! I spent hours picking them out. But that was a long time ago. And not the point. The point is that Hermann had like the most granny glasses that have ever granny glassied! Like…I cannot even describe them well enough. They were truly horrible. Like worse than those default glasses you always see on discount at the thrift store. And they had glasses chains! He was wearing them around his neck! And he had an honest to God bowl cut! And I’m pretty sure my grandpa had that exact sweater! And there was a giant parka behind him on the chair! And his pants were all wrinkly! And he was wearing loafers that looked like he had just hiked ten miles in them! What was I supposed to think?” 

“That your pen pal clearly had a very different idea of fashion than you do?” Jihao suggested. 

Newt gave him an unimpressed look. “Jihao, clearly your imagination is very lacking because to even suggest that the word ‘fashion’ can be at all associated with that monstrosity is, you know, probably a war crime.” 

“It’s not a war crime.” 

“Yeah, well, you never know. It was pretty bad.” 

“So what did he say when he got your email?” Jihao asked. 

“Well he tried to throw his handkerchief at me but he didn’t like ball it up first so like that was a massive fail. It was really embarrassing once I realized my mistake. One because, you know, I hadn’t realized it was him even though he was right there and two because now I had to be seen in public with him. He was all ‘Newton, you absolute wanker’ and I’m like ‘Oh, I guess this is the guy and seriously how is he not actually British?’” 

“He’s not?” 

Newt rolled his eyes. “He might as well be but no. He’s German. So am I, actually, but like at least I moved to the States pretty young. No idea what his excuse is. Like what the fuck even is boarding school? So anyway, it was a bit awkward so I tried to break the ice. You know, ask some questions see how it goes. You wouldn’t think that would blow up in a guy’s face like that but Hermann likes to dramatically overreact to everything.” 

“Normally I’d agree with you,” Jihao said. “But somehow I doubt you’re the kind of person who would ask how the weather is.” 

Newt’s eyes widened. “You know I almost did once? It was at a meeting but then I caught myself and reconsidered like all of my life choices. I actually called Hermann. He was the only one who would understand.” 

“So what did you ask him then?” 

Newt shrugged. “You know, fun stuff. If you were a monster from classic cinema who would you be? Which one would you want to date? How would you describe your backstory if you got turned into a vampire and now it’s 500 years in the future?” 

Jihao let out a surprised laugh. “Are these…are these all monster questions?” 

Newt blinked. “Are they? Huh. Guess so. Well, Hermann didn’t like my questions and he was all ‘I don’t know if you’re some kind of pervert or if you think I am but I am not having it.’ And then, like, he got up to leave but then waitress showed up and she looked like twelve and she was so nice that Hermann didn’t have the heart so we ate lunch. We moved past my brilliant opening questions and were talking about work and some other stuff but that hardly went any better. He just…he sounded so passionate in his letters, you know? But he was so stiff and clinical in person and like…what do you even do with that? And he called me a kaiju groupie like eight different times which is actually a common misconception people have about me but that’s kind of excessive, you know? And he just kept on calling me that right until the war ended when he stopped being such a dick about it. And he said I was too immature and wasn’t taking things seriously and that I was heartless for my plan to get every kaiju tattooed on my body. Which, like, I guess could upset some people maybe but it was just the kaiju! No ‘kaiju power’ or whatever. And I’m definitely not a groupie.” 

Jihao didn’t even know what to say to that. “I have never heard of a worst first meeting. Like ever. I have rarely heard of relationships ending that go worse without actual violence being involved. You two didn’t-?”

“What? Oh, no, of course not. I mean, honestly I think Hermann would probably just faint if someone just looked like they wanted to punch him. And what kind of asshole punches a guy with a cane? Not this asshole, that’s for sure. So we stopped writing. What was even the point anymore? Like we could get along on paper but that lunch went…so bad. I tried to write him another letter a few weeks later but I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say. That was pretty rare for me back then. I miss it.” 

“So what happened after that?” Jihao asked. “You sound like you know this guy way better than that.” 

“Oh, yeah,” Newt said. “So we both ended up working at the same Shatterdome. And, like, we were the first two hired because we were the best but we weren’t the only ones. There were a lot of us there for a while. It was…it was really good, you know? The best of the best, solving an impossible problem, all of humanity on the line…don’t get me wrong, I think the stress almost killed me but I was happy then. And, like, Hermann and I were total professionals. We divided our lab down the middle and he complained about me to HR every day and I kept almost all my kaiju specimens on my side of the lab and it was…it was good, you know? We challenged each other. Still couldn’t seem to go five minutes without fighting some days but that’s just how it is, you know? Then…well then we saved the world.” 

“Woah, woah, woah, are we skipping over all those years with a ‘then we saved the world’?” Jihao demanded. Newt had worked at a Shatterdome? He had saved the world? He hardly looked the part. But this was hardly his first celebrity. “You guys were lab partners and…best friends?” 

“Best friends,” Newt repeated thoughtfully. He shook his head. “Nah, that word’s not big enough to cover it though I don’t know what would be. I…might have done something that in retrospect was really stupid. But I didn’t have a choice! If I hadn’t done it then then I wouldn’t be sitting here now so doesn’t that make it the right call? No matter what came after?” 

“You’re talking about the whole drifting with a kaiju brain thing, aren’t you?” Jihao asked, surprising himself with how not surprised he was. Sure, the PPDC had never officially confirmed the story but the story had spread like wildfire nonetheless. Knowing Newt, Jihao honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he were singlehandedly responsible for this. That Newt had once saved the world was hard to wrap his mind around. That he had decided to do something as stupid as drift with a kaiju brain was really, really not. 

Newt’s shoulders were suddenly impossible tense and he nodded curtly. “I am. I…I won’t lie to you, I almost died. If Hermann hadn’t found me and gotten the Pons off my head…Well, he did. Some things man wasn’t meant to do and drifting with a kaiju was clearly one of them. But I did and I stand by that. If we only kept to what we were meant to do we wouldn’t have gotten very far as a species at all, would we have? And I learned so much! And it was terrifying and horrible and I think the first time always is. But Pentecost needed me to be a good little soldier and do it again. He told me not to the first time but now that I’d almost died proving I was right it wasn’t enough. He didn’t have anyone to spare so he sent me after a criminal who shoved a goddamn knife up my nose within thirty seconds of meeting me. And the kaiju were attacking and hunting me. But I survived. Somehow, impossibly, I survived. And I needed to drift again. I understood it but…you can’t know what it was like, all alone, that first time. But Hermann did. He’d been there. He saw me. He patched me up, got me on my feet when I didn’t think I’d ever stop seizing on that floor. He was talking about his predictive model like I even gave a damn about whether he was right or wrong about that in that moment – which, I know, not very much like me is it? I love proving Hermann wrong – and he said he’d go with me. He tried to play it off like the stakes were too high and he didn’t have a choice but he gave me the most awkward hand pat of my life when I tried to shake his and he just looked at me like…and he saved my life. And we did it together. And I was still standing afterwards. And I knew him better than anyone. Almost. And he loved me. I never even thought…but I guess he didn’t either. And now I knew.” 

“And now you won’t talk about him sober,” Jihao concluded softly. “What happened, man?” 

Newt looked expectantly at him and it took Jihao a moment to realize and pour him another glass. He refilled the water as well. 

“Drink up,” he said. 

Newt smiled bitterly. “Yes, God forbid something happen to me. What happened with Hermann? Well, good things. At first. But then he wanted to stay with the PPDC because he’s loyal and likes routine and is a moron. And I was calling them all fascists back when they were the only things standing between me and being crushed by a kaiju so I obviously was never going to stay which is something Hermann never really understood. And then he’s like ‘you’re seriously going to leave the PPDC for a job at a company you took time off last year to protest?’ And, like, when he put it that way it was absurd but I didn’t want to go back to academia. I wanted to do something that mattered. Not that teaching and research doesn’t but…well, you know. And this did. It mattered so much. So he asked me to stay and I asked him to come but of course neither of us ever would. Maybe we’re like ships passing in the night or something. I don’t know.” 

“Do you two still keep in touch?” 

“We do,” Newt said, a complicated expression playing out on his face. “Or, well, we try to. We both get so caught up in our work. And ever since Alice it’s been…awkward. How can I possibly just act like nothing’s happened? Everything’s different and when I look at him I can’t stop thinking about it and I feel like I’m going crazy and who would want to feel like that anyway? God, I don’t even remember the last time I called him. Does that make me a monster? He sends me an email every day. After all this time. And I know he won’t stop until I ask him to but I just…I don’t want him to.” 

“Maybe not a monster,” Jihao said gently. He didn’t know this Alice and he didn’t know this Hermann but he thought he understood Newt, a little, and the life he had built here away from the man he still clearly loved. “But maybe a man who needs to pick up the phone and call his person.” 

Newt blinked rapidly. “I…I can’t. I’m not supposed to.” 

Jihao gave him his most unimpressed look. “Not supposed to? And who told you that?” 

Newt looked away. 

“Was it Alice?” 

“She wasn’t…not the one to say it…” 

“And why aren’t you supposed to be contacting Hermann?” Jihao challenged. “Because he’s your ex? Because, man, I do get it with new partners being insecure about old partners but at some point for a relationship to work you need to back off of that and just trust the one you’re with. If being in contact with Hermann means you’d choose him over Alice, why the hell are you still with Alice? And if not then this whole thing is just unnecessarily possessive and hurting you.” 

Newt looked pained and he shut suddenly watery eyes tight. “It’s not that easy.” 

“Here’s where I say it’s not easy but it’s simple. Or maybe it is easy but it’s not simple? I can never remember which. But it’s one of those and not the other. Do you want to talk to Hermann?” Jihao asked. “Just answer me straight. Don’t give me any ‘I can’t’ or ‘I shouldn’t’ or ‘the fate of the world depends on me not talking to him.’”

Newt’s eyes flew open and he let out a strangled laugh. “What?” 

Jihao shrugged. “Hey, I don’t know your deal. Just tell me. All things being equal, do you want to talk to him?” 

Newt didn’t hesitate. “Yes.” 

“Then call him.” 

“I can’t, I-” Newt shook his head, wincing a little. 

“Why not? Do you not have his number?” 

“No, I mean, I do, I just…he won’t want to hear from me.” 

“He’s written you an email every day and you don’t expect him to stop anytime soon. Does that sound like a man who doesn’t want to hear from you?” Jihao asked. 

“Alice-”

“Isn’t here,” Jihao interrupted. “I’m not a relationship expert and I don’t really advocate, uh, lying to your partner but it’s just a phone call. It’s not like he’s going to materialize in the back and you two are going to have mad passionate sex before you see her again.” 

Newt was shaking his head. “There’s a reason I haven’t. I can’t just…I can’t. I’m not strong enough.” 

“It’s a phone call. He might not even pick up. I think you can handle it.” 

“You’d be surprised,” Newt said quietly. 

“You’re not happy. All this time I’ve known you, you bring up Alice all the time but I don’t know half as much about her as you’ve told me about Hermann tonight.” 

Newt didn’t bother denying it. “Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy.” 

“Bullshit. You saved the world.” 

Newt took the straw out of his drink and downed the rest of it. “And…what? That gives me a free pass for the rest of my life?” 

Jihao shrugged. “Probably. But I know it definitely gives you the right to call someone you clearly care about who is obviously dying to talk to you five years after.” 

“I…” Newt hesitated. “I need another drink.” 

Wordlessly, Jihao poured him one. 

Newt didn’t say another word for over an hour outside of ordering more drinks but he made no attempt to leave, either. He just stared at something on his phone. Jihao casually glanced over at it and saw it was a picture of Newt with his arms around a pale dark-haired man. Most likely Hermann if the previous conversation was anything to go by. 

Finally Newt let out a shrill, desperate-sounding laugh. “Fuck it, you know? Just…just fuck it. I’mma do it. I’mma…hey! Hey! The button won’t work!” 

Jihao looked over to see Newt poking belligerently at his phone. 

Jihao was well-acquainted to the perils of drunk calling or drunk texting or drunk emailing or drunk…pretty much anything, really. In his younger years he had used being drunk as an excuse to say a lot of things he never would have dared to sober knowing if anyone asked he could just blame that and they wouldn’t be able to hold him fully responsible. He usually tried to talk his patrons down from this ledge or, at the very least, didn’t encourage them. Definitely didn’t enable them. 

He held out his hand. “Maybe I could try?” 

Newt handed the phone over right away. There was such a vulnerable look on his face. He clearly wasn’t in his right mind. 

Jihao could only hope he was doing the right thing. He looked at the contact information for Stupid Sexy Hermann and pressed dial. 

Newt almost snatched the phone back out of his hands. “Did you do it? Did he answer? Did he…oh. It’s ringing. Of course it has to ring before he can answer. What time is it over there? What time is it over here? If it’s too late he’d better be sleeping or I’m going to kick his butt. If he’s sleeping he might not hear it…no, of course he’ll hear it. Too goddamn used to emergencies to ever shut his phone down. But if I wake him up he’ll be mad at me. I shouldn’t-Hermann!” 

Newt paused as Hermann said something. Jihao could vaguely hear a voice on the other end but he couldn’t make out what the man was saying. 

“Did I wake you up? What, don’t be stupid of course it matters! What time is it over there? How can you not know, you are literally on the phone. Then check! I can wait. In fact, I demand it. I’m not going to say another word until you check. Okay but the point of you checking was so that you would tell me? What do you MEAN I can look it up myself? I clearly can’t, I’m trying to talk to you. No, no one died. Why would you even ask me that? Just because it’s been-” Newt pulled the phone away from his head to glance blearily at it “-four months, eight days, three hours, and 19 minutes since the last time we spoke doesn’t mean…Well, don’t you think if there was some sort of emergency and someone died or I was lying dead in a ditch somewhere I would have told you? No that…that’s fair. No real reason, I guess. I was just thinking about you and your stupid hair and your stupid eyelashes and your stupid smile and-No, appreciating someone’s eyelashes are a totally normal thing to do, shut up, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Yeah, well your face is stupid. No, uh, actually that made total sense. But seriously…I don’t even know why I’m calling you. I guess I just writing you letters I never send and I’m starting to feel like maybe I never will and I just…I don’t want you to hate me. Well what kind of a thing to say to someone is that? You could totally hate me. I could totally do something hateworthy. You are not the boss of me here, dude, and you had better tread lightly because I am this close to taking that as a challenge.”

Newt listened for a few minutes and his expression softened. “You probably should hate me. I’ve done some things. And not done some things. And I know you can take a hint better than you’re pretending. It’s just…well, yes, I did call you. And don’t you dare stop emailing me. I will eat you. Yes of course that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say to someone! Look I just wish…I wish things could be different. I know they can’t but it’s nice to pretend for a little while, right? Like maybe…I really think working with you with all the fascists was the best time of my life. And now…well now things are…you’re not here is how things are. You picked the fascists over me and I guess I did, too. So like what’s even the point? I don’t know. I’m tired. You ever just want to…What do you mean what am I saying? If you were listening you’d hear what I’m saying? For fuck’s sake, Hermann, I don’t want to talk about fucking Alice right now. Why do you always have to…you would understand if you just agreed to meet her just once. That’s all I’m saying. I don’t even want you to. There’s every chance it will end in blood. But it’s really the only way you’d…and now we’re talking about it.” Newt closed his eyes. “No, come on, don’t say that. How can you possibly…Why do you always got to say shit like that? I can’t possibly…Yeah, I know. You can do so much better, man. ‘There’s no one better than me’? You are so full of it. I’m not…it’s not…Well fine. Be that way.” 

Newt turned abruptly to Jihao who was making no secret of the fact he was absolutely listening. “Hermann wants to talk to you. I have to pee.” 

Jihao took the phone and watched Newt promptly fall over attempting to get off the bar stool. He was about to help him up when suddenly Ping was there, pulling him to his feet and wrapping his arm around him as Newt staggered off in the direction of the toilet. 

“Hello?” Jihao asked. 

“Hello, this is Dr. Hermann Gottlieb,” Hermann introduced, sounding hesitant. “I…who am I speaking to right now?” 

“I’m Jihao. I work at the Silver Phoenix bar.” 

Hermann sighed loudly. “Of course he’s in a bar. Well, better than drinking alone I suppose. Can you tell me anything about what happened? Why is he there? I’ve never seen…well, heard, I suppose him sound that inebriated and I lived through the probable end of days with him.” 

“I have,” Jihao told him. “Your friend he…he’s not always this drunk. Sometimes he’s more so. Usually somewhat less. But he’s been coming in here most every night for some three years now.” 

There was a pained sound. 

Jihao kindly did not mention it. 

“I-I see,” Hermann said. “This is the first time I have heard anything of the sort. I suppose it is to be expected, our relationship did end and we do work some distance apart. I just thought…I don’t know what I thought. I wasn’t expecting this. And…And Alice? She has not…done something to try and curb this behavior? I do not mean to begrudge Newton his choices though that is sometimes easier said than done and this done not seem like healthy or, realistically, sustainable choices he is making.” 

“I’ve never met Alice,” Jihao said bluntly. “She has never once come here to try and bring him home. And maybe it’s not her job to save him from himself but earlier tonight you should have seen him when I asked him if he was happy. I don’t think that’s a good situation.”

“Oh, I-I see.” 

“I think you might be. Just from what he’s been saying.” 

“I…”

“The only question is what are you going to do now that you know?” Jihao asked. “You can’t change the past. None of us can. But you picked up in the middle of the night and I didn’t quite understand everything from Newt’s side of the conversation but it sounds like maybe he’s not the only one still pining.” 

“Pining?” Hermann repeated incredulously. 

“Boy’s got it bad. And he’s clearly not okay. And I’ve never seen the guy outside of me being a bartender but he called me his best friend in the city. And his boss has people tailing him? I don’t know. It all sounds pretty dark to me. So what are you going to do?” 

There was a long silence. “I’m going to need the address of that bar. Are you able to keep Newton there?” 

“There’s a good chance he’s going to pass out right here,” Jihao said. 

“But I need to be certain he’ll still be there when I arrive.” 

Jihao felt a smile creep over his face. “Of course. I look forward to meeting the great Hermann in person.” 

“Well let’s just see if I live up to all the hype.” 

\----

Three hours later, Newt was huddled on a couch in the corner under some blankets Jihao had stolen from the employee break room. It was a Tuesday so the activity in the bar was dying down by the time a man with a parka and an appalling haircut hurried into the bar. 

He looked questioningly at Jihao who nodded Newt’s way. 

The man who was presumably Hermann nodded his thanks and quickly made his way to Newt’s side. 

At this point, Jihao was weirdly invested in this little drama and took a break from doing the closing activities he thought he could get away with before they were actually closed to stare at the impending reunion. 

“Newton,” Hermann said, reaching down to shake Newt. 

“Hermann?” Newt asked sleepily. “What are you doing here?” 

“You called me, Newt. Don’t you remember?” Hermann asked gently. 

Newt tugged at Hermann’s sleeve and, after a moment, Hermann sat down beside Newt. Newt immediately shuffled so his head was in Hermann’s lap. Hermann began stroking Newt’s head. 

“I think so? Or maybe that was a dream. But you’re here so it couldn’t be one. Unless this is the dream. Or still part of the dream?” 

“I would swear to you that I am not a dream, Newton, but I don’t know how convincing that would be coming from a potential dream,” Hermann said. 

Newt made a sound of contentment. “Why would you be here?” 

“I told you. You called me.” 

“I call you all the time.” 

Hermann smiled sadly. “You really don’t.” 

“Oh, well…I mean to. I just get…you know.” 

“I very rarely do,” Hermann said. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make a mess of everything.” 

“I happen to need a little mess in my life,” Hermann said. “You told me that once. I didn’t agree with it then but I’ve really come around since then.” 

“Why are you here?” Newt asked again. “Did I ask you to come? I don’t remember doing that but that doesn’t always mean I didn’t.” 

“No, you didn’t,” Hermann admitted. “But you called me and you were hurting and drunk and alone and how could I not fly to your side?” 

“I’m not alone,” Newt said. He gestured vaguely around the bar. “I’ve got Ping and Jihao.” 

Hermann frowned uncertainly. “Right.” 

“Why are you here?”

“You know why, Newton.” 

Newton was quiet for a moment. “I’m not sure that I do, actually. It’s hard to tell what’s real and what I just tell myself sometimes. What I just hear from others sometimes.” 

“I’m here because you called me and there is nowhere else in the world I’d rather be right now than by your side.” 

“I kind of threw up earlier. Like a lot, dude.” 

Hermann made a face. “I’m not surprised to hear that.” 

“So I called you and you just show up. That’s pretty ballsy, Hermann.” 

“Well what can I say?” Hermann asked rhetorically. “A wise man once told me that fortune favors the brave.” 

Newt laughed painfully. “He was an idiot. But he meant well. He tried. And he did love you.” 

“I loved you right back,” Hermann told him softly. He cleared his throat. “Can you stand?” 

Newt wiggled until his feet were touching the ground. “I dunno.” 

Hermann stood up and slowly helped Newt to his feet. “There’s a car outside. Let’s just do this one thing first.” 

Slowly Hermann and Newt made their way up to the bar. 

“How much-” Hermann started to say. 

“Don’t worry about the bill,” Jihao said. “He has a tab here and he’s always on top of his payments.” 

Newt giggled. “Damn right I am! All responsible and shit!” 

“Thank you for watching out for Newton,” Hermann said seriously. 

Newt made a face. “I don’t need anyone to watch out for me.” 

“It was nothing,” Jihao told him. 

“It is not nothing to me,” Hermann said firmly. He reached into his pocket and withdrew his wallet. He pulled several bills from inside it and handed it to Jihao. 

Jihao’s eyebrows shot up. 500 Yuan. That was some tip. “I hope it works out.”

Hermann’s grip tightened around Newt. “It will.” 

With that, the two of them slowly made their way out into the night, Newt waving vaguely behind him. 

\----

Newt woke up to the feeling that his head was swimming which was a surefire sign that he still needed to sleep off last night’s fun. The sun felt like it was personally attacking him and he was pretty sure his head was being beaten in by invisible hammers. He couldn’t make out what the whispers in his head were saying but they were displeased with him. What else was new? 

So it was…Thursday, maybe? Or Wednesday. One of those. He wanted nothing more than to sleep for the next five hours but chances were he was either already late for work or about to be. Why hadn’t his alarm gone off? It was too bright for it to not be time yet? 

He groaned and tried to sit up but found himself quite unable to do so. 

There was a sound and the light dimmed. Newt forced his eyes open to see the curtains were closed. Huh. Good idea, that. 

He let his eyes fall closed against his better judgment. Shao was going to kill him but he simply could not get up right now. 

The next time he opened his eyes, his head felt a little more solid though no less pained. He closed his eyes and winced as he successfully managed to sit up. There was a glass pressing insistently against his hand and he automatically took it and took a drink. Maybe not the best idea to be drinking random things mysteriously given to him but at this point it could almost be poison and he wouldn’t care. 

It was water. 

Newt drank the whole glass and then opened his eyes to see the very last person he would have ever expected to see standing in his room before him. 

He pushed back a strong desire to kick Hermann out. He didn’t want that. He didn’t even know why he was here. 

“I…Hermann, I…”

Hermann handed him two pills. “This should help with your head.” He grabbed the empty glass and disappeared into the other room. 

Newt took the pills absently and tried to remember what exactly had happened to lead to the one person he absolutely was not allowed to see materializing in his bedroom. What he even awake? He had to be. Dreams weren’t this physically painful. Was he seeing things in addition to hearing things? He still wasn’t quite sure if the voices-

The buzzing got louder and he pressed an arm to his forehead in the vain hope of quietening it. 

Hermann returned with two glasses of water this time. “I have not had much experience with hangovers personally but both of my brothers were rather careless with their drinking in their time.” 

Newt gratefully took a glass and drank half of it in one go. “Hermann, what’s going on? Why are you here?” 

Hermann smiled thinly. “Again he asks me that.” 

“I-I’m sorry. I don’t remember anything last night past…well, past something in the bar. I must have drank a metric shit ton.” 

Strangely, Hermann seemed to find the turn-of-phrase endearing. “You did, yes. I…can I sit down?” 

“What? Oh, of course. Uh…sit anywhere. There’s a chair over there,” Newt said, gesturing vaguely. 

Hermann sat down on the side of his bed. Which…okay. That was…that was something. 

This was his space. No one said he could sit on his bed. He had told him to sit on the chair. Why was he even here if he wasn’t going to listen and respect Newt’s boundaries? But wait, Hermann had always been so good about boundaries. Newt was the one who always made sure to tear Hermann’s down brick by brick. This was…was it good? He couldn’t tell. 

“Let me begin by summarizing then. I received a call from you last night. You were extremely inebriated and you sounded…like you wanted to see me. You didn’t ask me to come but I did. I took you back here, you fell asleep, I did some work, and now here we are.” 

“Ah. Well that’s certainly…thank you, I guess? For making such an effort to see me?” Newt said uncertainly. “I know I haven’t exactly been in the best contact with you lately and I always love a grand gesture.” 

If he had wanted to talk to Hermann he would have. If he had really wanted to. Badly enough. Right? That had to be right. 

“Yes. About that,” Hermann said. “Newton, we really need to talk.” 

“Worst words in the English language,” Newt said. “By far. It’s never ‘we need to talk’ when we’re getting a puppy or I’m winning an award or something.” 

“Well, it’s not good news,” Hermann said. “It’s not bad news either. In fact, under the circumstances it may be the best news but I wasn’t really expecting any of this this time yesterday.” 

“Now you’re just dragging it out,” Newt complained. “I feel like you’re going to break up with me but we already did that like three years ago.” 

“I don’t recall that being nearly as mutual as you’re implying,” Hermann said stiffly. 

Newt looked away guilty. “Right. Well.” 

Hermann sat silently, just staring at him. 

“Well?” 

Hermann started. “I don’t even know how to start.” 

“You already did. With ‘Newton we need to talk’,” Newt said, doing his best Hermann impression. Last time he had done that Hermann had not looked nearly as fond. “Which is the worst possible way you could have started but still.” 

“You are not making this easier,” Hermann said somewhat reproachfully. 

Well that was just fine. Hermann shouldn’t be here anyway. Why should Newt make his imposing himself where he wasn’t wanted any easier for him? It might encourage him. Give him ideas he wasn’t to have. 

“Hermann, you know me. When’s the last time I ever made anything easier for anybody?” 

Hermann did manage a small smile at that but the smile quickly faded and he looked at him seriously. “Newton, I don’t know how to say this without coming off like I’m blaming you. I-I don’t know how much of this is your fault but nothing happened and we will fix it and you didn’t just one day decide to do this. I know that much and I will say it however many times I need to to whoever needs to hear it. But, my God, why couldn’t you have come to me? I would have done anything to help. You have to know that. And if you didn’t, well…I suppose I only have myself to blame.” 

Newt blinked several times, feeling like he had utterly lost the thread of the conversation. “Dude. What are you even talking about?” 

“I finally met Alice.” 

Icy terror flooded Newt’s veins. “I-what?” 

“Last night. I put you to bed and it took me an hour to get you to let go of my arm so I could act on this but I saw the brain, Newton. I saw the name you gave it.” 

Newt turned too quickly to Alice’s resting spot and ignored the pain that caused because there was nothing there. Just indentations on the carpet that indicated that there had once, not too long ago, been a beautiful tank filled with a beautiful brain. 

Newt froze. “Hermann,” he said, his voice deceptively calm. “What did you do?” 

“What I had to do,” Hermann said unrepentantly. “I called the PPDC. I wouldn’t let them wake you. They have questions but they can wait and it’s a little premature to go around making accusations. The brain will be destroyed. May already be. When they left they were arguing over if they wanted to set it on fire or cut it up and put it in a blender.” 

How dare he? How fucking dare he? All this time and he can’t be bothered to come meet Alice for himself when Newt had asked him over and over again, when Newt might have been able to explain or-or something? And then he just takes it upon himself to show up when nobody asked him to just because Newt had called him when he was stupid and drunk? This was why he never wanted to talk to him. Because the second he let Hermann in Hermann didn’t want to do anything but shit all over everything that mattered to him. He always did that. He never believed in him and now he had just barged in here, taking Alice, and given him to a bunch of fascists who didn’t see how beautiful she was and had probably already murdered her. 

“Newton?” 

“Get out.” 

“Newton, I know that-”

“GET OUT!” 

Hermann didn’t move. He merely closed his eyes, looking pained. 

For one wild, thrilling moment Newt could see himself reaching over and wrapping his hands around Hermann’s gangly little neck. He’d never see it coming. He didn’t respect Newt and he certainly didn’t think he could do something like that. He’d choke him and watch the light drain out and see how he liked being betrayed and-

No. No he wouldn’t. 

He was angry, yes. Hermann was absolutely in the wrong, yes. But he could yell and scream at Hermann until he was blue in the face and not feel bad about it at all but he would never lay a hand on him. Not really. 

“You’re still here.” 

Hermann opened his eyes and looked sadly at Newt. As if he were the wronged party here. “I am. I don’t intend to go anywhere. I…I should have been here three years ago.” 

“Yeah, you should’ve. But you were too good for me then and I don’t suppose finding Alice has really made you reconsider that.” 

“That…thing,” Hermann bit out, disgusted, “should never have been here at all. I don’t know where you got it or how or why and I’m certainly going to want to know later but…Newton, do you even realize that we’ve saved you?” 

Newt laughed. That was the funniest thing he’d heard in a while. “Saved me? From what exactly? From Alice? She’s an immobile brain in a jar. I’m not exactly at risk here.” 

“I found your Pons headset. You’ve been drifting with her.” 

Newt refused to let himself feel bad about that no matter how horrified the very thought made Hermann look. “Yeah, so what? I did it twice before all this and I was fine.” 

“Fi-Newton, you would have died if I hadn’t found you then and you know it!” Hermann burst out. His fists were gripped around a blanket. “I still remember the look on your face. How you couldn’t let go of me. How I had to carry you to that chair and wipe away the blood and get you water. How your hands were still shaking so badly when I found Pentecost half an hour later and hadn’t even stopped completely when you were sent out to find Hannibal Chau. I remember the look on your face when Pentecost told you you had to drift again.” 

Newt remembered those moments just as well as Hermann did. The pain, the fear, the eyes suddenly on him and never quite looking away. The way Hermann was there to ground him through it all. Provoking pointless arguments when there was no time just to try and keep Newt on his feet. The way his whole world had turned on its axis when Hermann told him he would drift with them to save him. It was by far the strangest threesome he had ever had and most certainly the best. 

Tears came unbidden to his eyes and he impatiently brushed them away. 

“The second time I stayed on my feet and even you only had to throw up a little.” 

“Because we shared the neural load. Newton, I know you can be…reckless in the face of scientific pursuit but our need was great then and now I can’t even begin to understand what you thought you were doing.” 

“It gets easier every time. The more you drift the better your minds know each other,” Newt explained. “I’ve been safe. I’ve kept records and measured my baselines and all that. It’s a great chance to learn more about the kaiju and the precursors in case they come back one day. I hardly think they can get to me through the closed breach. And at the end of the day it really is my decision. You lost the right to comment on my choices a long time ago.” 

Hermann actually flinched at that. “You took that right away! I never wanted that!” 

“And so you lost it. It doesn’t matter how,” Newt said coldly. “You had no right.” 

“I had every right! You know that what you’re doing is stupid and dangerous and if not outright illegal then definitely should be!” Hermann exclaimed. “Because if you didn’t you would have told somebody!” Newt could hear the unspoken ‘you would have told me’.

“So…what? You think I’m going to thank you? You saved me from myself and from my work and from what I’ve devoted my life to?” Newt demanded. “You think you can just blame everything that ever went wrong between us on the fact I drift with a kaiju brain sometimes? Like that made me a whole different person? We tried, dude. We really did. But we just wanted different things and we chose them over each other. We always do. And there’s nothing wrong with that but that means that since nothing’s really changed nothing is going to on the us front. Especially not after this.” 

Hermann looked like he was very tempted to smack him. “Do you really think so little of me that I would come all this way and try to save you, whether you agree you needed saving or not, simply so that I could have my boyfriend back? Like if it were clear that that was never going to happen I would have just left it alone?” 

Newt sighed and felt a lot of the anger drain out of him. “No. Of course not. It’s not that I don’t understand where you’re coming from. I do. I had to think long and hard before deciding to do this and you just came in at step, like, 19. Of course you freaked out.” 

“Newton, last night…” Hermann trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. 

“Hermann, you’re going to have to tell me,” Newt reminded him. “I don’t know what happened.” 

“A lot,” Hermann said finally. “That bartender. He said you weren’t happy. He said that Shao was having you followed and I had to send a very persistent young intern away. He said you said you had a fight with Alice who everyone believed to be your girlfriend. He said you were there at the bar drinking heavily pretty much every night and that you were always alone.” 

Newt felt the familiar heat of shame settle into his gut. “Okay, well, first of all I never said Alice was my girlfriend. I know what you think about me dating anyone that looks twice at me but I am not nearly that pathetic. She’s a kaiju brain and I couldn’t very well tell people that and she’s kind of like my roommate. It was a fascinating project. Of course I talked about her.” 

“I never thought you were pathetic, Newton.” 

Newt didn’t quite know what to do with that. “I, uh, thanks. I mean…” He cleared his throat. “So things aren’t perfect. They were never perfect. It was enough.” 

“It doesn’t have to be,” Hermann said softly. “You hate Shao. You think she’s a fascist who doesn’t see the people who work for her as anything but cogs in her machine.” 

Newt couldn’t really argue with any of that. He found it harder by the day to justify working with a woman like Shao who spoke to him as if he were an idiot and barely paid any attention to how her company was run and who was pretty clearly a huge fascist. When he got like this, the only thing that could help remind him what it was all for was the drift and Alice and it looked like that wasn’t going to be an option anymore. “I’m not about to go crawling back to the PPDC and their increased militarization. They were too fascist for my taste even back when the world needed them and it’s only gotten worse since then. At some point, they need to hang up their swords and somehow I just don’t seem them doing that.” 

He expects Hermann to argue with that despite it being clearly true because Hermann believed in things like order and authority and he still chose to associate with the PPDC even now. 

Instead, he says, “You might be right. I am not exactly an authority on dealing with fascism, however. Do you know anyone who might be up to the task?” 

Newt lets out a surprised laugh. “That is the most transparent way of saying ‘Newt come back with me’ that I’ve ever heard.” 

“Newt come back with me,” Hermann said earnestly. “The PPDC are going to demand you be examined to make sure the precursors aren’t somehow influencing you after all that drifting. I know you won’t want to submit to this but I’m afraid it really is rather unavoidable. If something is wrong we have hopefully caught it early enough it will be a simple matter to clean up. And if nothing is then you can enjoy lording it over us that you’re smarter than all of us once again.” 

Newt hesitated. “Well, I do so enjoy proving you wrong. Everyone else, too, but never half as much as you.” 

“Is that a yes?” Hermann looked so hopeful that if it hadn’t been before it most certainly was now. What kind of monster could say no to that face? 

“Alright, fine. I was getting pretty sick of this place anyway and you took Alice so I’m kind of at a loss for what to do now research-wise anyway,” Newt said. “I’m going to need to think of the perfect way to let Shao know I’m leaving but I won’t need to be there in person for that. It…will probably be best if I am not, actually. And I may need an alibi.” 

“I would be honored to provide you with one.” 

Newt peered intently at him. “Dude, you are being super weird right now.” 

“I just missed you, is all.” 

Well, Newt couldn’t say that he didn’t understand that feeling. In fact, the strange thing was that as much as he had missed him before somehow standing in his presence was only making him miss him all the more those last three years they had spent apart. He was struggling to remember why he had chosen an evil corporation over Hermann in the first place. But it didn’t matter. All that mattered was Hermann was here with him now.

“Yeah, well, I missed you, too.” 

Those words really shouldn’t have made Hermann light up the way he did but Newt was strangely heartened to see it. 

“In the, uh, interest of full disclosure I should let you know that while I do not expect anything from you, my feelings for you have remained remarkably unchanged these past few years.” 

Newt let the words hit him. That was…that was a lot. It was more than he could have hoped for. He suddenly wanted to be really far away and to move even closer. Part of him irrationally wanted to hit that stupid smug face until it stopped smiling like that and making him feel stupid things. “You sound like Mr. Darcy.” 

Hermann chuckled gently. “There are worse people to sound like. Especially if we’re talking near the end. And assuming you’re not just talking about my accent again.” 

“Worst fake German person ever, I swear to God.” 

“Well I refuse to believe you’ve ever even been to Germany.” 

“Believe as you will,” Newt said loftily. He swallowed hard. “So, uh. Feelings. Gooey feelings. That you feel. Towards me. After all this time?” 

And Hermann didn’t miss a beat. “Always.” 

God did he love it when a reference was caught. “You sap.” 

“For you? Of course. Come with me.” 

Newt couldn’t help smile at that. “I already said I’d come.” 

“Good. I’d hate to have to try and move here.” 

“Move here? You’re ridiculous. You can’t just move into my apartment.” 

“I suppose we’ll never know now, will we?” Hermann asked rhetorically. “I missed you, Newton.” 

Instead of replying verbally, Newt leaned over and squeezed Hermann’s hand. 

“I really ought to send that bartender of yours a thank you,” Hermann said, his voice choked. “I do not know much about bartenders but I feel he went far and above the call of duty.” 

Newt nodded. “Yeah. Jihao’s a good guy. We should definitely let him know we worked some stuff out. Are going to work some stuff out. We can send him an email.” 

And maybe, one day, a wedding invitation.


End file.
